5 Ways to Build Better Boundaries
Do you ever have difficulty with boundaries between yourself and other people?
Maybe sometimes when you are around other people who are experiencing strong emotions, you tend to take on those feelings? Or maybe you have a hard time asserting your own needs and wishes, such as saying no when someone asks you to do something you’d rather not do? Or maybe you feel overly responsible for people or situations that you really aren’t responsible for?
Many heart-centered people have challenges with boundaries.
We’re learning that one of the reasons may be mirror neurons. These are special brain cells that science is just beginning to learn about. The way they work is, when you see someone doing or feeling something, your mirror neurons react as if it is YOU doing or feeling it.
Mirror neurons are thought to be responsible for empathy in both humans and other mammals - feeling what others are feeling. Scientists are now learning that some people have more highly activated mirror neurons, which can have the positive effect of increasing empathy and compassion, but also can create challenges with boundaries.
With overactive mirror neurons, when we see someone going through a challenging situation, or experiencing difficult emotions, our mirror neurons will react as if those things are happening to us. This can create confusion, trying to figure out things like “what is me and what is not me?”
This can lead to an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for other people - our survival brain feels that it has to take care of everyone because everyone is part of us! Have you ever experienced feeling more responsible for other people than you know is rational?
Not having clear boundaries can lead to physical, mental, and emotional burnout.
If our energy is flowing outwards too much in trying to take care of other people and situations, we don’t have energy for our own projects, including the relationships that are most important to us.
What can we do to strengthen our boundaries so we can use the empathy and compassion of our mirror neurons for good without getting burned out?
Here are five ways to build better boundaries:
Calm our survival brains and strengthen our resilience. I wrote previous blogs about how to calm the older, survival-focused parts of our brains, and strengthen the modern, higher-thinking parts of our brains. Strategies such as: prioritizing gratitude, joy/laughter, connection, and self-compassion; spending more time in nature and around positive, uplifting people; and learning positive self-talk all can help.
Let go of over-responsibility for other people and situations. Use your rational brain to think deeply about the relationships and situations in your life. Are you feeling more responsible than you need to, or than is best for your health and happiness? If you’re not sure, what would you say to your grown-up child or best friend if they were in the same situation? What stops you from letting go of feeling overly responsible? Can you experiment with easing up a little on that?
Get clear on who you really are, separate from everyone else, and what you really want. This can be tricky if you have overactive mirror neurons, but with practice you can do it! Again, call on the modern, higher-thinking parts of your brain to think deeply. Spend some quiet time each day connecting with that part of your brain and your heart, asking questions such as “What do I really want?” “Who am I, in the deepest part of my being?” “What is most important to me?” Write down your answers. This will help your brain start to develop clear boundaries between you and everyone else.
For people that you continue to have boundary challenges with, come up with practical strategies that you can use if you start to feel overwhelmed. For example, say you have a friend or family member who calls you and spends hours complaining about the same things over and over, because you are such a good listener. Try setting a time limit, and then say something like, “I have to get off the phone now.” Or take the even braver step of telling them you can’t be their sounding board anymore.
Fall in love with your own beautiful life. The more you build strong neural pathways of loving and prioritizing your own life, the easier it will be to create and maintain strong boundaries.
You are a beautiful soul with unique gifts to share with the world.
Strengthening your boundaries will help you have more energy and time for sharing your gifts in healthy ways that are empowering for both you and others!
What is one step you can take today to strengthen your boundaries? Send a quick email to let me know :)
I’d love to hear from you! Please send your comments, questions, and suggestions to liz@happybrainlife.com.
Have a lovely day!
Liz
