Making Social Connections
A friend recently asked, “What’s the best strategy from a brain perspective when going into a social situation where there is a group of people who all know each other, and you are the new person? Is it better to take time to observe how people are behaving before interacting and risk being thought a wallflower, or is it better to dive in and possibly break some of the unspoken rules of the group?”
Being wary of new people is hard-wired into our survival brain. Think of our human ancestors, who for hundreds of thousands of years lived in small, nomadic groups, completely dependent on each other for survival, understandably cautious about outsiders.
One of the ways this hard-wiring works is that our survival brain produces neurotransmitters in social situations depending on how it is interpreting our perceived status and behavior in the group. When we are feeling good about our status, the feel-good hormone serotonin is released into our brain and body. When we are not sure about our status, the stress hormone cortisol gets released. These neurotransmitters act a bit like a gas pedal (serotonin) and a brake (cortisol).
Going into a situation with a group of people who all know each other, our survival brain understandably can get a little nervous. To calm that uncertain part of our brain, some strategies that can help are:
Talk directly to your survival brain - tell it you understand why it is nervous, but that isn’t necessary in this situation. Your survival is not dependent on this group’s reaction to you.
Expect a positive outcome - that people generally will be friendly and open and all will go well. This helps to balance the built-in negativity bias of the brain.
Visualize going into the situation feeling calm and relaxed, open and friendly.
Smile and laugh - this is very calming to the survival brain.
Another brain strategy that can help is to put yourself in the shoes of the people in the group and imagine how they are feeling. If you were with a group of friends, feeling very comfortable, how would you respond to a new person coming into the group?
When I think about that, I imagine I’m with good friends, feeling comfortable, secure, and pleasantly curious about this new person joining our group. Meeting them, my survival brain pays attention to a lot of verbal and especially nonverbal cues to assess how I should feel about about them. How these cues are interpreted varies from culture to culture. Having grown up in Western culture, my survival brain will be looking for cues such as:
Does the new person seem open and friendly?
When we are introduced, do they make eye contact and smile?
Do they ask me some appropriate questions that show interest in getting to know me?
Do they speak of positive things, expressing gratitude or something positive about the group or event?
People generally like people who are friendly, open, positive, and authentic. Another strategy that can help is focusing on the other person rather than yourself - being genuinely curious, asking questions. You can think ahead of time about some questions you might ask.
Those are some ideas about handling a new social situation. You’ve got this!
I’d love to hear from you!
Please send questions, comments, or suggestions to liz@happybrainlife.com.
